Sandy Hook Elementary...

I love Connecticut. Overall, one of my top 5 favorite states. I had  seriously contemplated moving there, actually doing things that are required to move from Wisconsin to the East Coast. Things didnt work out for me in that aspect, but then again I am greatful to be here in crapola Waunakee, dating a truly amazing man, even if we have our problems...

I know, I know, EVERYONE is talking about SHE. And I really havent. Not on facebook, not on cafemom, and hell I haven't even been on here in 2 whole months lol.

So I must jump on the bandwagon. Here is my thoughts....

Yesterday in my morning church session (I go to 2 different churches) the message was about Luke 15:1-10, or basically loving and accepting the outcasts. About how you might not expect to see a mass murderer, child molester, animal abuser, or child killer sitting at the table one day with Him, but it happens, for He rejoices over even just one lamb saved. He rejoices more over one who needs repentance then 99 that need no repentance.

I think the situation was horrible, and that the shooter deserved earthly punishment for what he did, but at the same time, he is not here, eating up the resources while he is allowed to live when those he murdered were given no choice…

 I have chosen not to read the articles, stories, look at the pictures. Tell my 5 yr old? I think not. She will find out, Im sure, and I will calm her with telling her that it wont happen here. That Bad People like that dont live near us. Why lie? Santa. Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy. Why not lie? Make her childhood the best it can possibly be, for if the unimaginable were to happen here, I have those GOOD memories.

My rant done.

Contrary to popular believe...

We are alive!

Today is Derek's birthday :) He is 28 today.

We are going  out to the bar in a little bit to celebrate, then to the Nitty, then ending the night at SILK. I have never been to a strip club before, so this should be fun...

Even though I am sure it will cause drama, I have invited Tascha to go out with us, at least to Mojo's... He really wants to see her so I snuck behind his back to arrange it...

Chat later!

Making things work out...

This week, I am all about making the random, opposite direction things in my life work out... So here goes my thoughts/plans/have-dones/have-to-do's and everything inbetween!!

1. I got a new part-time kiddo, Carmine. He just turned 3 in Sept and is a cute kid. He gets along great with Konnor, which obviously is good :)

2. I have an interview for a 4 yr old boy, starting in January, today at 3.

3. Its a early release day for school, meaning Liz, Donovan and Gavin will be home in like 10 minutes... I just wanna hide lol

4. Trying to make my car payment, which causes me to balance my checkbook (shudders)... Since my payment this month is 640, and I cant quite make that, I am paying 375 today, 150 tomorrow and then the rest (about 100) in like a week-in-a-half...

5. Next week rent is due. Cnat be late, Gary will kill us. I am hoping that Derek's checks will be about 450-500, then I will cover the rest with my check from Amanda for Konnor and Tara's payment for Carmine...

6. I hate this not-having-money bullshit...

7... get some brains...

8. Donate plasma for extra money... I need money!! lol

9. Find one more full time or 2/3 part timers for the extra income!!



Story of my life!

Doing better overall...

So...

Got 2 after school kids for the daycare, Donovan and Gavin. Tues-Fri, from 3PM to 5 or so... So that's some extra income for me :) The boys arent that bad, altho all they do is come here and eat and play football on the PS3-- which was ok-ed with mom first!!

I have an interview tomorrow (Thursday) for a 3 yr old lil boy, similar days as Konnor, so that
would be awesome! Wish me luck!!

Derek and I are still together. I explained to him how I felt about everything going on with the drinking/video games, and that I felt like we were drifting apart, because I really do feel that way. We are going to work harder to spend more time together actually together, versus playing the same video game 20 ft apart from each other...

Right now, Derek is working at KFC/TB and Liz is asleep. its about 840 and I cant decide if I want to read my book or play some LOTRO.... Ugh, decisions decisions!

Oh and I am in hella pain right now too- I have one hell of a UTI which I think has spread to my kidneys... My downstairs region and I are not on talking terms currently... My antibiotics end tomorrow and I want to go see the DR again cuz it is soooo NOT getting any better lol..


Other wise, things here are going good :) Liz is going to spend the night at daycare tomorrow night for the halloween sleepover. The hopefully friday we can go bowling as a family... Saturday is 'daddy day' and I have Konnor too. Derek works another double tomorrow and then is off friday and saturday so I want to do some family geared activities if possible...

Dad has been overseas for almost 3 weeks, and I still havent gotten a letter yet... I miss him...

racing mind, hidden meanings...

I just dont know what to think right now, what to do.

I know my relationship with Derek is not the best. But at the same time, I thought we were going good.

Out of an article on Yahoo on whether or not your guy is ready to settle down/get married, he scored 9 out of 10.

I just dont get it anymore...

If he wonders why I am acting more guarded in the next few days, well, frankly he should be lucky if I decide to continue our relationship at this point in the game....

I woke up, about an hour or so ago, alone in bed. This is not unusual given Derek's obsession with LOTRO. But waking up to him being on the phone-- something he 'hates' to do-- surprised me... Even more surprising was that he was on the phone with Tascha-- wait, i lied that doesnt surprise me...

What really thru me for a loop was the words I heard him saying... Conspiracy theory ideas/claims? I am used to that. Hearing him tell his EX-GIRLFRIEND that when the world ends they can take off and be a couple living off the woods? Yeah, NOT expecting that....

Wait, you didnt see that one coming either??

I sat in bed for at least a half hour, feeling like I was gonna pee myself, feeling like I was about to puke, listening to their phone convo. Hearing how he really feels, really thinks...

Now, dont get me wrong, I didnt hear anything negative said about me... but then again NOTHING was said about me either... Just a bunch of crap about how hot Tascha is, how guys see her as a charity case, how men's thought process is basically that of a lion's--> oh, a weak gazelle thats also the prettiest...

Im serious. I actually heard that come out of Derek's mouth. Yeah. My thoughts exactly.

He asked her to come here. In the middle of the night. At 330 AM. While his girlfriend was sleeping. She must have said something along those lines, cuz he replied "i dont care, I will go wake her up right now and tell her you are coming. No, come play LOTRO. I stay up till 630/7, sleep till 10."   .... ... .... The convo went on about it for a few minutes, basically with Derek giving the impression that I would be totally so cool with a girl showing up in the middle of the night while I am SLEEPING to hang out with him.... Have I ever mention that I sleep like the dead?? Yeah.

Before work, Derek had asked me to pick up a flask size bottle of Korbel. I didnt think anything of it, and helped myself to a big bottle of Pink Mascato. Well, I had ONE glass of wine... No dinner... So I was pretty toasted...  Derek? He had his Korbel. Thats fine and dandy. But then he drank my Wine too...

So sure maybe its the booze in him talking... but then again he always seems to tell the truth when he has been drinking... So I sit in my room, tears in my eyes, trying to contain my urge to fight, knowing that fighting now will cause more drama than it solves...

But I can guarantee you I will be more guarded the next few days. I wont be hurt by his infedility, if thats whats going on. Cuz I can see the warning signs...

Also, note to self--> no alcohol in the house from now on... just isn't worth it. If I want a drink, well damn guess I need to go to the bar...

Thank god I have errands right away in the morning, and wont be home till after noon... Now just to find something else to occupy my time tomorrow, cuz thats how I deal. I run. Because away from the situation, I dont have to think. And I dont want to think.  Because everytime I think, the math keeps adding up the same... D + Me = No-sir-ee.  That is what i honestly feel is going to happen. If we make christmas, I will be truly surprised. Shit. If we make it through the rest of October, I will be surprised.

Its like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop....

Password on computer? CHECK
Change passwords on log-in screens? WORKING ON IT
Figuring out my life, Post-Derek? Impossible. Thinking of it makes me sick.

I dont know what more to say. Im hurt deep, I have bruises where no one will ever ever ever see them, because they're on my heart. And I wont be giving it out to anyone anymore...

I guess another way to explain can be lyrics from a song, 'Within You' (Labyrinth, 1986):

How you turn my world
You precious thing.
You starve and near exhaust me.

Everything I've done,
I've done for you.
I move the stars for no one.

You've run so long.
You've run so far.
Your eyes can be so cruel,
Just as I can be so cruel,
Oh I do believe in you.
Yes I do.

Live without your sunlight.
Love without your heartbeat.
  I... I... Can't.. live.. within.. you...

I can't live within you

I...I..Can't live within you

I have been writing for almost a half hour... Im gonna try to go back to bed, altho I doubt it will work. Good night, cruel world.

My sunday drama...

So. Today I babysat Konnor again. So he got dropped off at 930, and I had him until about 8 PM...

Lizzi was picked up by the PG at 11ish, and now they know of my daycare... cuz Lizzi has a HUGE mouth.

Konnor and I just kinda chilled and napped and played.

Derek worked at Cousin's from 11-330. And came home, changed clothes, and went to KFC/TB for his shift 4- Close.

Liz got dropped off about 4 ish... We were gonna head to Madison to see Sarijane and meet Jared finally, but PopTart  (AKA Amanda Selenka, who would like to now officially go by PopTart) called and was all "i dont feel good" and she really started worrying me and freaking me out, and so I offered to go up to Poynette and pick her up and take her to Meriter in Madison.

So we got there around 5 and left FINALLY at 930. Lisa picked Konnor up at 8, Harvey (godkids PG) picked up Brooklyn and Brent at like 845.  PopTart got 3 bags of IV, tried to give her food which she promptly threw up and she still feels like shit, altho we have been home for over an hour now...

I am afraid of what Derek is going to say when he gets home, I mean I am sure he will be happy I am home, but having an invalid on the couch is probably NOT what he was/is expecting... Guess I will know within the hour!!

On another note, I called off the babysitting gig for tomorrow, because... well... I just dont feel comfy watching their baby with them in the house and whatnot. I want to be home with Derek, I need to help out PopTart, and its important that I make sure my family is taken care of before someone else's family...

In one more week, I have Konnor full time and I cant wait. I hope I can get some other kids in with him tho.

Its 11PM and PopTart is finally sleeping. Liz is sleeping and I am staying awake for Derek, because I love him so... ... ..

Overall update and I may be going insane...

SO..........

Yesterday, my business cards for the daycare arrived, so naturally I was super excited :)

Today I have the goobster, Konnor. I dont know how long I have him today but I got him lol.

I went to Summit to open a new account- successful- then promoted the daycare some more to the lady who set up my account, who may be looking for new care for her daughter come December. What can I say, I shoulda gone into PR lol.

Then came home, Konnor got dropped off and we started a dvd of Sponge Bob (it calms Konnor down).

Derek has a meeting with Cousins at 11 (here is there now). Then he works at 4 (till close) at KFC/TB.

The Mormans are coming over to convert us at 2 (maybe I should watch my Bringham Young movie before they come lol).... Hopefully I can get the kids down for a nap before the crazies show.

Then yeah Derek works...

At some point today, Tascha is coming over to hang out and work on our business plans together lol. She is starting a business too, kinda like Avon where she is a distributor, but its for some sort of diet thing? I guess I will find out more about it when she comes over lol.

I reposted the craigslist ad today, and I am hoping to hear back from some ppl today, maybe set up interviews.

And now I am on the phone with Nordy, who is in the bathroom, and she has me on speaker... what a weirdo...



Anyways, Imma get on with my day, cuz yeah there are lots of things going on lol. Adios until lata!